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WTF Moments: Reptilicus (1961)
An excerpt from Polar Darkness, part of The Bad Movie Chronicles by Johnny Rewind. The flying in the Danish cut. Reptilicus, a giant prehistoric reptile of considerable mass, develops the ability to fly at some point in the film and uses this ability during the attack on Copenhagen sequence. The flying was removed from the American version because it was unconvincing. In context — a film in which a marionette reptile is destroying miniature Danish street furniture — the flyin
Johnny Rewind
2 min read
WTF Moments: Miami Connection (1987)
An excerpt from VHS Fever Dreams, part of The Bad Movie Chronicles by Johnny Rewind. The Shirtless Training Montage: Five grown men do synchronized Taekwondo in jean shorts for THREE FULL MINUTES. "Father??" A character discovers his long-lost father in literally the last five minutes of the film, for absolutely no narrative reason. Random Acts of Violence: A man gets his arm chopped off, and the arterial spray looks like someone opened a fire hydrant filled with ketchup. Rea
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
WTF Moments: Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)
An excerpt from From Hong Kong to Hell, part of The Bad Movie Chronicles by Johnny Rewind. THE DRILL: The sequence in which the salaryman's anatomy transforms into a rotating power drill is achieved through stop-motion and practical prosthetics on a budget that would not cover a reasonable meal, and it is more disturbing than effects costing a thousand times as much. Context makes everything worse. THE STOP-MOTION BODY: Tsukamoto animates his lead actor's body transformation
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Saw
When horror meets saw, something extraordinary happens. Saw emerges as a cult classic that transcends its budget constraints.
Vicky FastForward
1 min read
Megaforce (1982): Gold Spandex, Desert Motorcycles, and the Greatest Thumbs Up in Cinema History
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Megaforce is a 1982 film about an elite international military unit that rides motorcycles and dune buggies with laser cannons. The leader, Ace Hunter, wears a gold spandex jumpsuit and a headband. Barry Bostwick plays Ace Hunter as if he has been told he is playing the coolest human being who has ever lived, and he commits entirely. The film cost $20 million. It made $5 million. The final sequence involves Ace Hunter escaping on a rocke
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Ninja III: The Domination (1984): The Exorcist Meets Enter the Dragon on a Golf Course
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Ninja III: The Domination is a 1984 Cannon Films production that asks: what if The Exorcist but with ninjas? A ninja is killed by police after massacring a golf course. His spirit possesses a female aerobics instructor. She becomes possessed by his ninja spirit and begins hunting down the cops who killed him. She also has a love interest who is himself a ninja. A Japanese exorcism is eventually required. Breakdancing is involved. Sho Kos
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
C.H.U.D. (1984): Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers and New York's Finest Hour
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator C.H.U.D. stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. The film is about exactly that. New York City's sewer system is full of homeless people who have been mutated by toxic waste illegally dumped by a government agency. They emerge at night to eat people. A photographer, a soup kitchen operator, and a police captain piece together what's happening while city officials cover it up. It is a New York film through and through — gr
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Gymkata (1985): Weaponised Gymnastics and the Most Convenient Pommel Horse in Film History
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Gymkata is a 1985 film premised on a genuinely brilliant idea: what if a US gymnast was sent on a secret government mission to a deadly country, and the obstacles he faced happened to include things that were exactly like gymnastic apparatus? A pommel horse appears in the village square at the exact moment he needs one. Parallel bars are conveniently located. Director Robert Clouse, who made Enter the Dragon, directed this with complete
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Krull (1983): $47 Million, Liam Neeson, and a Magic Throwing Star That Barely Appears
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Krull is a 1983 Columbia Pictures production that cost $47 million and attempted to fuse science fiction and fantasy into an epic franchise. A planet is invaded by an alien force called the Slayers. A prince must retrieve a magical weapon called the Glaive from a mountain. He assembles a fellowship of misfits including a cyclops, a magician, a shape-shifter, and a group of bandits. The sets are enormous. The creature effects are impressi
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Mac and Me (1988): E.T. Meets McDonald's in the Most Shameless Film Ever Made
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Mac and Me is a 1988 film financed directly by McDonald's as a marketing vehicle, disguised as a family adventure film in the tradition of E.T. A family of aliens is accidentally vacuumed up by a NASA probe. The youngest alien, MAC, is separated and befriends a boy in a wheelchair. The film climaxes with a birthday party at McDonald's. Ronald McDonald performs. The aliens are revived by Coca-Cola. They are eventually granted US citizensh
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984): The Sequel That Became a Phrase, the Phrase That Became Everything
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo is a 1984 breakdancing sequel that became more famous as a phrase than as a film. The subtitle has been applied to every conceivable sequel, follow-up, and return since 1984. It is one of the most referenced film titles in pop culture history. The film itself is about a group of breakdancers trying to save their community centre from a developer who wants to demolish it. They do this by dancing. It works. Th
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Howard the Duck (1986): George Lucas's $37 Million Mistake and Cinema's Most Uncomfortable Romance
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Howard the Duck is a 1986 George Lucas production that cost $37 million, introduced a duck from another dimension to 1980s Cleveland, and destroyed the careers of nearly everyone involved. It is also genuinely strange in ways that distinguish it from ordinary blockbuster failures. Howard is sarcastic, cynical, and deeply unhappy about being on Earth. Lea Thompson falls in love with him. The film treats this with complete seriousness. The
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
TerrorVision (1986): Alien Monster via Satellite Dish and the Worst Family in Cinema
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator TerrorVision is a 1986 Empire Pictures film about a suburban family who accidentally receive an alien monster through their satellite dish. The monster arrives via transmission, materialises in the television, and starts eating family members. The family is a collection of 1980s suburban archetypes taken to their extreme limits: a swinger couple redoing their home in the worst taste imaginable, a grandfather who has built a nuclear bunke
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
The Sweeper (1996): C. Thomas Howell Cleans Up the Streets, Then Questions Everything
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator The Sweeper is a 1996 direct-to-video action film starring C. Thomas Howell as a vigilante cop who joins a secret organisation of police officers who execute criminals rather than arrest them. He is initially enthusiastic. He gradually has moral doubts. The film is a genuinely competent mid-90s DTV action thriller that takes its subject matter seriously and delivers exactly what its audience wanted — a man shooting people while questioni
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Cypher (2002): The Smart Sci-Fi Thriller That Got Buried in the Bargain Bin
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Cypher is a 2002 Vincenzo Natali film starring Jeremy Northam as a bored suburban accountant who takes a corporate espionage job and rapidly loses track of who he is, who he's working for, and what is real. It is a genuinely intelligent, cerebral science fiction thriller that ended up straight-to-DVD because distributors had no idea how to market a smart film starring people known for other things. Lucy Liu co-stars and is excellent. The
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Submerged (2005): Steven Seagal, a Bulgarian Submarine, and the Art of Sitting in Chairs
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Submerged is a 2005 Steven Seagal film in which Seagal plays a mercenary hired to rescue hostages from a submarine. He spends much of the film sitting in chairs. Other people do the action. Seagal delivers his lines in the particular mumble he developed around this period — a low, gravelly sound that requires subtitles and conveys absolute confidence that whatever he is saying is correct. The film was shot in Bulgaria. The submarine is m
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Jack Frost 2 (2000): The Killer Snowman Goes Tropical and Nobody Involved Is Sorry
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman is a 2000 sequel in which the mutant killer snowman from Jack Frost (1997) follows the sheriff who defeated him to a tropical island resort. He reconstitutes himself from the ocean water. He cannot be killed by heat because he has evolved. He can produce murderous baby snowmen from his body. The film takes place almost entirely on a sunny beach, which creates a visual comedy the filmmake
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Bloodfist VIII: Trained to Kill (1996): Don Wilson's Eighth Kick and Nobody's Counting
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Bloodfist VIII: Trained to Kill is the eighth entry in a Don Wilson martial arts franchise that began in 1989. By the eighth instalment the series had completely abandoned any connection to previous films and was simply a vehicle for Don Wilson to fight people in a new setting. This one involves a Navy SEAL mission, a mole in the organisation, and a considerable amount of kicking. Don Wilson kicks people with great professionalism. He ha
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Python (2000): Casper Van Dien, Jenny McCarthy, Robert Englund, and One Very Large Snake
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Python is a 2000 Sci-Fi Channel original film about a giant python that escapes from a military transport and terrorises a small California town. The CGI snake is enormous, moves at impossible speeds, and eats people in sequences that the budget cannot fully support. The cast includes Casper Van Dien, Jenny McCarthy, and Robert Englund, which is an extraordinary collection of people to have in one direct-to-video snake film. None of them
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
Wake of Death (2004): Jean-Claude Van Damme's Most Focused Revenge and a Body Count to Match
By Johnny Rewind | Nostalgia Navigator Wake of Death is a 2004 Jean-Claude Van Damme revenge thriller in which Van Damme's wife is murdered by a Chinese Triad leader whose son she tried to protect. Van Damme then kills everyone involved with the systematic efficiency of a man who has been making action films for 20 years and knows exactly what audiences want from him. The film is competently made, genuinely brutal in places, and represents Van Damme's late-period DTV work at
Johnny Rewind
1 min read
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